Murder on the Dancefloor

Went to Leadmill, a club in Sheffield, for the first time in about three years. As the last time I went there I had to leave my shoes behind, not out of choice, they just stuck to the floor.

However, last night was extremely fun. I came home minus money only, not shoes! Scoreeeee.

And this is where today's funny episode begins...  

Whilst tearing it up on the dance-floor, flailing my arms with gay abandon, a group of people next to us, actually, no, a group of extremely drunken people next to us, were tottering around in ridiculously high heels. 

It was all fun and games until someone trying to get past accidentally knocked one of the 'vodka bottles' over. She then proceeded to stagger to her feet, tear after the guy and punch him repeatedly, then fall over again. Classy. Then she walked away, during the moment of her exit, a boy in a wheel chair rolls into the middle of the 'fight' unfortunately for him, not having a clue that there was a fight even happening.

At this point the girl realises she hasn't finished, she wants blood. So she runs back to hit the guy... then trips over the guy in the wheelchair. Oh how I laughed.

Death Becomes Her

This is slightly out of sync, more like; the funniest thing that happened yesterday. I'm sure you can find it in your heart to forgive me?

Basically, my friends and I decided to figure out what we want to happen to us after we die.

Of course however, you'll never know if the things you've chosen ever happen. You're dead. 

I decided that I want my ashes to be made into a firework, with the song 'Firework by Katy Perry', playing at the same time. I want to go out with a bang.

Emma decided that she wants to be buried; so we have somewhere to visit. She also mentioned something about going out the same way as Elvis.

So I'm going to take this chance to tell her what will really happen after she dies; of course it will be in-line with what she has asked for. I also like loopholes.

I'll be really old when the fateful day arrives; thus not as mobile as previous years. A head stone would be too heavy to carry in my old lady shopping trolley. Therefore, I'll fashion one out of paper mache. Sorted. Something to mark your place.

A plot of land is expensive; my pension won't cover the cost. Therefore, you'll be buried in the back garden. Sorted. Somewhere to visit.

As a last point, I don't really fancy spending my last years in jail. I'm around 90% sure it's illegal to bury people in your back garden. Therefore, you'll be cremated and the ashes flushed down the loo. Sorted. You'll clog up the U-bend, like Elvis clogged up his internal U-bend. 

Of course, this is done with the deepest sympathy and love.

You would do the same for me I'm sure. 

When Good Ideas Go Bad...Continued.

My waters were correct about the imminent overspill...

Facial expression is the same as before, maybe worse.

When Good Ideas Go Bad

Our washing machine makes everything smell like pooh and fanny.

So in our infinite wisdom, we decided to wash the washing machine...woooo.

What we did: Washing powder. Check! Comfort. Check! 95 Degree wash. Check!

The outcome is that now we have a washing machine full of bubbles, an over spill is almost definitely imminent. I can feel it in my waters.

Picture of the bubbles. Check!

This is a definite, "Oh Crap!" moment.

Todays facial expression is:

Trying To Imagine A New Colour...

Trying to decipher; Laughter disguised as rape.

Today's facial expression was...

What Happens In England, Stays In England.

My new friend Noelle has come over here to study for a semester, sadly she will be leaving in June to return to Philadelphia. So of course while she's here, I decided to show her some of what Sheffield has to offer, (not much I know). Starting with Corporation; home to the deadliest vodka on earth. Needless to say it was an AMAZING night!

Today however, in our hungover, sleepy state, we decided to enlighten her on what Brits do for fun...

And out of all the activities in the whole world that could have been said at this point in time; Drinking tea, clubbing...anything! Someone had to say dogging...followed by a description of the said activity.

So DO NOT blame me if the world now believes we are avid doggers.

Today's facial expression was; overwhelming shock, followed by hysterical laughter.

Trains, Planes and Automobiles

Public transport sucks at the best of times. It sucks even more when it's busy. However, today I have a new found love for the tram. Three stops away from MeadowHELL and on climb 30 or so primary school kids, complete with teachers and annoying, high-pitched, uncontainable excitement.

Then the best thing in the world happened. The tram set off in a forward jolt, and all the kids fell over...

not just stumbled either, they proper decked it.

It was the longest 10 minutes of my life, replaying the moment over and over, whilst trying not to laugh - made worse by momentary eye contact with one of the teachers.

My face was a mixture of sucking on a lemon and constipation...