Unfortunately I have had serious misfortune when it comes to keeping my bum covered up... in public. In fact if I did a time-line of my life, according to my bum mishaps, it would look something like this:
Yes that’s right today and this is by far the worst bum mishap, ever.
Usually when the snow comes it is greeted with joy for about 3 days until we all realise we have to walk to work and then it gets old pretty fast and the first time you fall over and discover the ‘blanket’ of snow is not actually as soft as the adjective assumes. Today being the first day of snow, we set out to play and ended up at the swings in the local park, during a blizzard.
At first the swings looked like this...
Appearing to be full of enjoyment, But quickly became...
Now just picture this scene in your head.
I happily skip towards the seat arms swinging, wondering how high I can swing. I hop into the welcoming seat and fifteen minutes of bliss later along with an imminent nosebleed from the altitude; I’ve had enough.
It’s about this time that I realise I’m stuck in my seat and after five minutes or so of trying and failing to get free the panic sets in, not just ‘Did I lock the front door?’ panic, but full blown ‘I am going to die in this swing’ panic. By now numerous scenarios are swirling around in my head like a tornado of hysteria, the most prominent being; firemen having to come cut me out. But no that would have been too convenient; instead someone in the great beyond saw their chance to ridicule me further.
Just to reiterate; by this point I have tried every possible manoeuvre to get free and now growing increasingly agitated, especially since my friends are watching mouths aghast, I admit defeat and reluctantly ask for their help, which later I would majorly regret. My boyfriend taking it upon himself to save the damsel in distress opts to go for my legs, while Adam takes my arms and Terry takes the video camera. Oh yes, did I not mention the ordeal was being filmed? Guess not. Will you be seeing the footage? Never.
And so the next scene sees me being pulled out of the swing, only the humiliation doesn’t stop here. I lean backwards so Adam can get more leverage and my boyfriend yanks my legs up in the air, during this whole manoeuvre my leggings fall free of my waist. So now I find myself dangling upside down from a swing, with my bum exposed to the entire playground, which may I add, was empty beforehand but is now full. I spend five minutes upside down with my bum growing increasingly cold, and a horde of children on looking.
At this point I have two choices: I can stay this way forever or let go of the swing in the vain hope the floor will magically turn into a giant pillow for me to land on. Needless to say, the floor never became a welcoming cushion of warmness and I had to lay there in the snow risking frost bite on my nether regions whilst hearing a girl eloquently say, “Well that’s not a nice way to be greeted to the playground”.
For your viewing pleasure I’ve drawn an accurate picture of the incident...
Now to confirm, this will be the last time I ever expose my bottom. I promise.
